


Forgive me

by tardisswimmingpool



Category: BBC Sherlock
Genre: M/M, Sherlock - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-09-14 10:14:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9176503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tardisswimmingpool/pseuds/tardisswimmingpool
Summary: A little bit of post episode angst. Spoilers for the Six Thatchers. Sherlock tries to make up with John





	

**Author's Note:**

> Ay guys, I'm back from the dead. This is just a little something I threw together in order to deal with my feelings about series four so far. It's a little rusty because I haven't written in months, but I hope you enjoy it.

I’ve never been the type of person that explicitly shows emotion- after all, sentiment is one’s worst enemy in times of peril-but at that moment nothing I could do could prevent my heart from splitting in two. “Anyone, but you” the words had hit me harder and deeper than any bullet could possibly penetrate, and I found myself frozen with sorrow and confusion of what my next move was going to be. I’m Sherlock Holmes, I always have a plan, but not this time. This time I was stuck. Without John, without my conscience, I was left alone in a swirling pit of feelings that I could not comprehend. 

 

Solemnly, I departed from Molly’s doorstep and took the bus back to my flat. Usually I would take a cab because buses are loud and full of people-ah, sometimes the word makes my skin crawl- but for once I did not want to be alone. Being alone meant the possibility of doing something I would later regret. 

 

My mobile buzzed in my coat pocket and I reached to touch it. I didn’t pull it out immediately because I wanted to avoid staring at John’s face in my lock screen. It was a photograph Mary had taken of John and I after they brought Rosie home. She captioned it “Daddy and Uncle Sherlock.” 

 

Mary…

 

It had been two weeks since the shooting, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I failed to protect her. I had promised, my first and only vow, to keep their family safe, and I couldn’t. And why, why did Mary save me? After everything I have done…

I thought once again about John. I had not seen or spoken to him since the funeral, and I was beginning to worry about his state of mind. Mary had asked me to save him. Those were her last words to me via a video message. “Save him, Sherlock. Save John Watson.” 

 

I had to talk to him.

 

After a few more minutes of introspection, I at last pulled out my phone and saw my brother’s name. 14 missed calls and about a dozen text messages-probably all about the same thing. “Sherlock, pick up. You need to stop moping about. Caring is not an advantage, remember.” Mycroft’s mantra. He had been telling me this for years, and for so long I had believed him. But I’m not so sure anymore. 

“Bakerstreet,” the bus driver called. 

 

I deleted the messages and took one last look at John’s picture before exiting the bus. “ I will make this right,” I thought. 

 

_______________________

 

The next day I decided to take a walk in order to clear my mind. The air outside was chilling and smelled of rain which is most likely the reason for the abandoned street. That and the fact that it was still quite early. Mrs. Hudson had still been asleep when I slipped out, and I myself hadn’t bothered to go through the trouble of making myself presentable. I pulled my coat collar up and stuck my hands in my pockets to warm them. 

I stopped at a small cafe at the end of the block where John used to get coffee in the mornings. The lights were on, and a few people were chatting amongst themselves in the back corner, so they must’ve been open. I hesitated before entering. The owner greeted me and offered to lead me to a table, but I wasn’t planning on staying long. I ordered some pastries for Mrs. Hudson and retreated to the corner to wait. 

 

“You’re an early riser,” the owner said. 

“I like to utilize my time.”

 

“Well, carpe diem as they say,” he laughed.

 

“Could you hurry up, please. I have somewhere I need to be.”

 

“My apologies sir. I’ll ring you up.”

 

“Thank you,” I sighed.

 

“Here you go,” the man said and he handed me a box.

 

I paid him and I was getting ready to leave when something caught my eye. A familiar tuft of grey hair that had been slicked back was visible across the street, trying to wave down a cab. John. I dropped the box of pastries and rushed outside. I tried to call out for him, but the name got caught in my throat. What was I going to say? John hated me. Or rather he was just using me as a target for anger he didn’t know how to control. Either way, he wasn’t going to be pleased to see me, I knew that. 

 

I watched him climb into a cab, and without thinking I followed behind. I had installed a tracker in John’s phone awhile back, so it was fairly easy to track him after flagging down a taxi of my own. 

 

He led me to St. Bartholomew's Hospital, a place we both knew quite well. Suddenly, I panicked. I paid the cabbie and ran as fast as I could to the roof of the building where I found John sitting near the edge. 

 

“You promised,” he whispered, although I wasn’t convinced he knew I was standing there, “You gave me your word. Isn’t that supposed to mean something?”

 

“John, I’m sorry,” I wanted to say. “I’m sorry and…” 

 

“You stood here once,” John continued. “You stood here and you toyed with me. You lied and made me think I had lost everything. And then two years later you come back, and now I truly have lost everything. How can you do that? “ he turned and addressed me directly without a hint of surprise, “How?”

 

“John, I…”

 

“She was my world, Sherlock. And now she’s just gone. And for what? To save you. The very person she had trusted to keep her alive.”

 

“John, there’s nothing I could’ve done. It was her choice. Deep down, you know that.” 

 

“So what if I do. I have to be mad at someone. It’s the only thing that keeps me from going insane.”

 

“John, please turn away from the edge.”

 

“She’s dead. She died in my arms, and I did nothing. I’m a doctor, and I just sat there and watched. And I didn’t even get to tell her.”

 

“Tell her what?”

 

“I’m not cut out for this. I thought this is what I wanted and I just…I loved Mary and I love Rosie, but.”

 

“Domestic life is too dull.”

 

“I cheated on her,” the rapid response startled me, but I said nothing, “ It was innocent enough, just texting, but cheating nonetheless. Why would I do that?” 

 

“Because you were lonely.”

 

“Lonely?”

 

“Mary was out on cases with me, and you spent most of your time at home. Rosie kept you up day and night, and the monotonous routine got to you. You wanted something more.”

 

“Why am I like this? Why can’t I just accept a calm, peaceful life.”

“Because that’s not who you are.” 

 

“I’m not even sure who I am anymore.”

 

“You’re John Watson,” I took a step forward, “You are a father of a beautiful baby girl, an irreplaceable friend, and someone who has just recently suffered a traumatic loss. Now please,” I held out my hand, but he refused. 

 

“John Watson might as well be dead. I’m just a shell.”

 

“John, do you know why I made that vow? I did it because I can’t live without you. You’re right, this isn’t the John Watson I knew, but if you would just listen to reason, I would like to help get him back.”

 

“You can’t live without me,” he repeated my words in a near mocking tone. “Didn’t seem like it was so hard when you faked your own death and made me grieve for two years while you were god knows where.”

 

“I did that to protect you.”

 

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“ Moriarty’s network was still fully functioning and capable of taking you out. I had to make sure you were ok because…”

 

“Because what?”

 

“It’s not important,” my voice trailed off, “my point is, I have always had your best interests in mind. I did all I could for all three of you, and I failed. But now all I can do is make sure that you and Rosie stay out of harm’s way. That’s what Mary would’ve wanted. I owe her that much. John, I promise you. If you get down right now and come home, I will never let anything happen to you or your daughter. I will protect you till the day I die. I swear it.”

 

He stared at me, his eyes beginning to water which is something I had only seen once or twice before. He stood up and walked away from the ledge which allowed me to get a closer look at him. I could now see that his eyes had large bags underneath them and he smelled faintly of gin. 

 

“I came here because I wanted to escape,” he muttered. 

 

“Go home, John. Give Rosie her bottle and rock her. Think about Mary and all the memories you shared. Cry yourself to sleep if you must. Do whatever you need to do, and when you are ready, you know where to find me.”

 

___________________________

 

That was three days ago, and I have to admit I was beginning to lose hope of reconciliation. However, around noon I heard a ring at the door. Mrs. Hudson answered it as usual, but I had assumed it was just another client. Her silence told me otherwise. I grabbed my jacket and descended the stairs. John stood at the bottom of the steps-his facial expression showing emptiness. Although I was glad to see him, I said nothing and turned around, motioning for him to follow me back up to the flat. Mrs. Hudson offered to make us some tea, but I told her this was a private matter and it’d be best if she went out for awhile. 

John took a seat in his usual recliner which I couldn’t find it in myself to move. He rubbed at his eyes and avoided looking at me. 

 

“Where’s Rosie?” I asked.

 

“With Molly.”

 

“You know, I may not be your typical babysitter, but I’ll offer my services if you ever...I mean, I know you said you didn’t, but I thought that maybe…”

 

“Shut up and sit down.” 

 

I don’t usually take orders, but I was smart enough to know when to keep my mouth shut. I did as I was told.

 

“John, I…”

 

“I said shut up,” he paused. “You can read people so clearly. You can tell a person’s entire life story just by analyzing simple mannerisms. You’ve stopped terrorist attacks, you’ve saved lives. That being said, I think you are fully capable of recognizing that I am dead serious when I ask you this. And I may not be as clever as you are, but I think I’m capable of telling whether or not you are lying to me. You’re not so opaque as you make yourself out to be. I’m only going to say this once, and you better be honest with me or I swear I will leave and I won’t come back. Do you understand?”

 

“John.”

 

“What part of shut up don’t you understand. Am I clear?”

 

I nodded. 

 

He let out a breath and continued, “ The other day on the roof. I’m going to ask you again. Why didn’t you tell me about faking your death?”

 

“That was two years ago. Why are you still holding on to that?”

 

“Because it never made sense to me. And now that Mary is gone, you are the only person I have left and I need to know if I can trust you or not. Now answer the goddamn question.”

 

“I told you, I wanted to protect you. Simple as that.”

 

“You and I both know there is more to it than that.”

“Maybe you’re right, but it doesn’t matter right now.”

 

“It obviously does because your hands are trembling.”

 

“That’s nothing. Too much caffeine.”

 

“Why can’t you just be honest with someone for once in your fucking life? What are you so afraid of that you can’t tell me. We lived together, you were my best man, we’ve been to hell and back together. The least you can do is tell me the truth.”

 

“Ok, I did it because…” I bit my tongue. “I did it because...John...I love you.”

The words blurted out of my mouth so fast that my brain could hardly register what was happening.

 

“You what?”

 

“Is it really that big of a surprise?”

 

“Well it’s not exactly something I woke up this morning expecting to hear from you, so yea it’s a bit surprising. But why did you...since when…”

 

“I’d rather not talk about it anymore,” I stood up and made my way to the kitchen, “Is that all? I have an experiment to finish,” I messed with some bottles in the sink, hoping he would get up and leave. 

 

“You’re not seriously going to turn your back on this now?”

 

“Well there’s no point in dwelling on it because I’ve been in love with you since the moment I met you, and I’ve known since then that you will never reciprocate those feelings so why whine about it when there’s work to be done.”

“Sherlock.”

“Is that all?” I said again, sharper this time. “I gave you my answer. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? Now you can go home and live the rest of your life with your daughter, not having to worry about me because you obviously, as you said, can’t trust me.”

 

“Well I’m not going to just get up and leave,” John said.

 

“Why not?”

 

“You saw me up on that rooftop. I’m a wreck.”

 

“If you were a wreck, then you should’ve came and talked to me. Because that’s all I’ve wanted, John. I’ve dedicated every waking moment of my life trying to make you happy, even if it meant breaking my heart.”

 

“Is that why you left the wedding early?”

 

“John, stop.”

 

“Is that why you taught me how to dance?”

 

“Look, I’m assuming you came here for closure. There it is. Now, if you excuse me.”

 

He grabbed my arm and dug his fingernails into my sleeve to ensure I wouldn’t move. 

 

“Who knew?”

 

“Does it matter?”

 

“Who….knew.”

 

“I never told anyone, but people had their suspicions.”

 

“Am I really that blind?”

 

“Look, just forget it. Do you forgive me?”

 

“I can’t believe I…” 

 

“John.”

 

He let go of me and stood frozen. He hung his head low in an attempt to avoid meeting my gaze while he planned his next move. 

 

“I’m going to go check on Mrs. Hudson,” I moved past him.

 

“Wait,” he grabbed me-softer this time. 

 

A shiver went up my spine as John lied his forehead against my shoulder blades. He mumbled something that I couldn’t understand, and then turned my body so that I could face him. He licked his lips and sighed.

 

“I guess you were right. I’m not very observant, am I?”

 

“John, I’m sorry about Mary and I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused.”

 

“Can you ever stop talking?” that was the first time I had seen him smile in weeks.

 

I suddenly felt his hands cup my face. My body went numb as he reached up to touch his lips to mine. 

 

“I forgive you.”


End file.
